Sunday, December 2, 2012

Tales of a Dismissive-Avoidant Scorpion

And it was decided.

It was decided within two months, that it was going to end. I should have known. We had nothing in common. I should have been prepared, but I wasn't. And neither was she - which is why it lasted longer than two months. It lasted two years, in fact. Two years of happiness, bliss, and agony. At the end of it, I guess both of us were glad it was over.

Apart from one thing. It had left an emptiness inside. An emptiness that even endless hours of gaming did not fill.

Rewind. 2006. High school years. I like this girl I know. I tell her that I want to take the friendship to the 'next level' - which by high school standards meant dating. For some reason I could never express my feelings towards her. Could never tell her that I love her until it was too late - I didn't know I was supposed to. Didn't know that my affection towards her was obvious.

Back to present time. Darwin's theory of Survival of the fittest says that only those survive who are better adapted for the immediate and local environment. And my mind has 'evolved' into one which was better adapted to the situation. The situation of hearing from the one you love, that she doesn't love you back. The best way I found to handle this situation.. was to not say those three words that would change the dynamics of any relationship, until I was absolutely sure I would get to hear them back. Until then, I stay indifferent to my own feelings, ignoring every strain of affection I have towards that person, with the hope that someday she would realize how much she means to me, without me actually taking any action to demonstrate that - because demonstrating that would expose my weakness. Sounds lazy, I know.

And if, for some reason, there arises a situation where I clearly have feelings for her, and I feel that she doesn't - I withdraw into a shell. Build walls around myself. Don't share my feelings. And start avoiding the person concerned, by distancing myself - physically, emotionally, or both. Physically, by leaving the city, or country if possible. Emotionally, by erasing that person from my memory, as if she never existed. Even if I get to see her everyday, she would be invisible to me. I do this because that person did something that I never expected. And this has lowered my expectations from people by a considerable amount. Has turned me into a cynic, expecting the worst of humanity, because after all, human beings are selfish. Most people have a way of getting what they want, by lying, cheating, or stealing.

I prefer not to depend on others - because I don't expect anything from them. So I would assume that they would not expect anything from me as well - but when others start expecting things from me, I freak out. It feels suffocating. I tend to push people out of my life.

People have let me down. More often then not. Root cause of my mistrust. In fact, trusting another human being, for me, is a really big deal.

Even physical contact, for that matter, is a big deal. Even if I trust someone, I would think a hundred times before giving a hug, even if it's my best friend. There's something about an embrace that scares me. I didn't even give a warm goodbye to someone I was meeting after two and a half years, and was probably not going to meet her for another two. I like to keep my goodbyes as short as possible.

I see couples all around me, and they make it look so.. easy to have stable relationships, I feel jealous. Still being a hopeless romantic, I feel there's someone out there who would turn out to be my savior - but until that person surfaces, if at all, it's going to be a solo ride.

Somehow I stumbled across this Wikipedia article which even has a term for the way I handle relationships - and it's called being dismissive-avoidant. That must mean that there are others who have this behavioral pattern, and if you're one of those, or if you have anything to say, feel free to leave comments.

Dismissive - Avoidant Relationship Dynamics.



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